2025-08-25 - toiling with identity
for the past month or so, i have been trying to figure out who i
am as a person and breaking down everything ive felt in my life
to understand why i feel the way i do about myself. this has
(un)fortunately led to a lot of headache trying to experiment
with this identity of mine and making sense of it.
late last month, this culminated in me exploring plurality, and
the possibility that i might not be the only one in my body.
i put as much effort as i could into this experiment - setting
up pluralkit profiles, descriptions for my headmates, bio pages
on the website you're likely on right now - but something just
felt, off. i felt like this was working for me, that me and my
headmates finally had a system to call our own, where we could
express ourselves and cooperate, but at the same time i could
not tell if those headmates were even headmates at all.
it felt much more like i was talking to myself, and i started to
get strong uncomfortable feelings towards my identity. very
quickly.
in a matter of weeks, i went from embracing this indentity to
strongly disliking it. even though it gave other parts of
identity peace, it threw my own sense of self completely into
disarray, leaving me comfortable in my body and uncomfortable in
my mind. i talked it out with a couple people. typical issues of
struggling to form sentences aside, i was able to calm down and
decided that it wasn't for me.
now, i do not think any more or less of systems that were able
to work their indentity out. i love and embrace all of my plural
friends, especially my partner (of course), i just, went too far
in and realized i never belonged to begin with. ive found why
this ever happened to begin with though. i am genderflux, not
female or a demigirl as i once thought in the past. i had just
struggled to accept it because ive thought of myself as a trans
girl for ~7 years now. maybe now, knowing this knowledge, my
personal ordeal with identity can rest for a bit longer, and i'm
sorry if any of this experimentation has confused anyone in the
process. i honestly did not intend to ever do this, and i can
only assume my immediate publicity and productivity towards this
objective was in a fit of mania.
thank you all for being here for me.